Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?

Healing at the Pool of Bethesda, by Carl Bloch

It's been almost 5 months since our Stake rearranged ward boundaries and we were moved from the La Cueva Ward back into the Cherry Hills Ward.  And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I have still been struggling with this change.  I feel this has been a lot harder than it should have been.   Sometimes I feel fine and other times I feel very angry and bitter and depressed.  And what is partly irritating is that I can't quite pinpoint why exactly.  

Of course, I know the church is true in every ward, and there are lots of wonderful people in Cherry Hills, just like there were in La Cueva.  The demographics are definitely different--less youth, more wisdom-filled older people, but still good, dear people.  And I know I should be grateful to have a building to meet in, even though it's across town and in a sketchy neighborhood and the design is bad, and it's old and annoying.  I know there are members in the world who walk two hours to church or who meet in schools or other places that are not dedicated places of worship.  I know all of that, but I have still been struggling, and can't figure out what about this is so stinkin' hard.

On top of the hard list, of course, is seeing friendships that we had with people in La Cueva slowly deteriorate.  It's heart-breaking, actually.  And sadly, it feels inevitable.  When you don't see people regularly, like at church every week, or during the week at cub scouts or mutual, or for visiting teaching, you just become less and less a part of their lives.  And you have less and less to talk about when you see them.  And you miss out on little things that keep ward member friendships alive.  I keep thinking of that saying "make new friends and keep the old."  Well, I don't know if I believe that.  Because while we are trying to maintain the "old" friendships, it takes effort and time.  And for all our effort, there just isn't enough time to keep up relationships with everyone we wish we could.  

There's a lot at play here that is hard in addition to lessening of friendships we wish were deeper than ward boundaries.  And after five months, I'd have hoped to be in a better place.  Sometimes I AM in a better place.  And sometimes I feel like I'm just wallowing in sorrow and anger and resentment.  I figured with some time my heart would work out its issues, but I'm still harboring a dark place inside that feels unbearable some days.  After the change I prayed and prayed for help in dealing with the changes, and felt my heart soften.  I thought I had received the help I needed, and went forward, feeling good for awhile, but became disheartened as gradually, the anger seeped back in.  

Well, a few weeks ago, we had a Relief Society lesson where the teacher shared this picture by Carl Bloch, and we talked about the story in the New Testament of Christ healing the impotent man by the pools of Bethesda.  When he lifted the shroud covering the man, Christ asked, "Wilt thou be made whole?"   And at that moment in Relief Society, as I was struggling to keep Bennett from being too disruptive, I felt Christ asking ME that question.  "Sharee, wilt thou be made whole?"  And I felt deeply that it was my choice.  Did I WANT to be made whole?  If I wanted it, I could choose to be made whole through Christ, but it would require some action on my part.  It wouldn't necessarily just be handed to me after putting in a sufficient mourning period.

I thought on that for a couple of weeks, and eventually one Sunday, Arthur and I decided to fast together for our hearts to be healed.  That Sunday (not a regular fast Sunday) the talks were on forgiveness which at first I thought didn't really apply to me because I haven't been offended by anyone lately.  :)  But as I listened, so much of what they had to say applied DIRECTLY to our circumstance.  I have been holding a grudge, I think.  Against nobody in particular, but against the hand we've been dealt, I guess.  (Which I know isn't a hard hand compared to real problems that a lot of other people have, but it's been a struggle for me, so don't judge.)  

I have been angry that they changed the boundaries, and at the way they changed the boundaries, making Paseo the boundary line, which resulted in us getting cut off from ALL of the families that our kids were friends with.  And I'm mad that they left the CH ward at the Haines building when it would have been a perfect time to let another ward take a turn.  I also know that this anger has been preventing me from feeling a full measure of the Spirit.  One of the speakers that Sunday shared a little saying that went something like this:  "Holding a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee."  That really resonated with me.  I am just letting this same stupid bee sting me over and over and over. 

For awhile I was thinking that if I could just pinpoint what it is that I'm struggling with exactly, (surely there must be something else underlying all this besides friends and buildings, since I'd already thought through those issues multiple times,) I'd be able to logic my way out of my depressive cycle.  I'm sure I could work through it if I could figure out what exactly I'm having such a hard time with.  Because it bothers me that that I am STILL having a hard time.  I wish I was fine with everything.

In talking to a wise friend recently about how I'm still struggling, (to the point of depression even,) she suggested that I approach the Lord in prayer and just ask him to remove it from me.  I don't have to know exactly what is going on.  The bottom line is that it is a righteous desire to have the anger, and bitterness and depression rooted from my heart.  And I should just ask him to take it from me.

So that Sunday we fasted and prayed and I told the Lord I don't want it anymore.  I need to let it go.  By letting this grudge continue to sting me, by continually wishing my circumstances were different than what they are, I am diminishing the joy and goodness of where I am in my life right now.  I've had enough.  It's time to let go, and hand it over to the Lord.  I want my heart to be healed.  I choose to be whole.  

Since that prayerful Sunday, I have felt a lightness in my heart where once it was heavy.  I have felt like smiling more.  Real smiling, and not the smile I put on my face to hide a hurting heart.  Past experience has taught me that I will need to be continually prayerful about maintaining this feeling, but I just want to testify that the Savior of the World truly has the time and the power and the desire to heal our broken hearts.  And if we choose to let Him, He will make us whole. Over and over and over again.